Wind beneath my wings
by Smilis
Summary: Can Arizona and Callie over come all that's happened the past year? Let's hope they can!
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** So this is my absolute first story so be gentle. English is not my first language but I do hope my English is OK. Feel free to point out all the errors I've made so I can learn from it.

**Disclaimer:** So, I don't own anything GA-related. I wish I owned it because then I would have Arizona and Callie spend all their off time in bed, at least for a while. But alas, I own nothing except my Soda Streamer which I absolutely cannot live without. Also, if this story is somewhat OK I will continue and then the plot would actually be mine. Hurray!

Now on to the story...

* * *

"May I speak?"

Dr Torres was staring out of the window in Dr Ways office. Her face always betrayed her feelings so she had taken to stare out of the window every time they met. It wasn't that she cared what they thought, she just felt she could center herself without having to face them.

"Of course. That's what we're here for." Dr Ways had tried to get Callie to speak about her feelings on every appointment but she had just closed off. Not saying a word she had just stood there, staring.

Callie slowly turned around.

"I love you." It came as a shock to everyone in the room.

"When I look at you I see the most amazing woman I've ever laid my eyes on. Your beauty is beyond everything that I know. I have a blind love for you. No matter what has happened to us it always comes back to the fact that I'm so desperately in love with you."

"Callie, I…"

"My love for you is completely blind because I honestly thought that you loved me just as much as I love you. Had I not had this blind spot I would've seen it earlier." Callie looked intently at Arizona. Soft tears were trickling down her cheeks.

"I stood by you through every hurtful word, every hateful word you said to me. Even when you downright told me that you hated me, I stood by you because I simply couldn't understand the fact that you didn't love me.

"Please Callie. I do…" Arizona tried but Callie just continued.

"I watch you. At work. Sometimes I sneaked, still do, up just to catch an unguarded glimpse of you. To see the light in your eyes. That for a moment you forget about the world. At home with me I never saw that light. No other woman holds a candle to you. You are the love of my life." She didn't know if she were making any sense she just had to get it off her chest.

"Had I just not had this incredibly love for you I would've seen it sooner. I will never regret saving you. Even if I had known you would stop loving me I still would've saved you. Arizona, my love for you is, and always has been, unconditional. I thought I would be enough. I never expected you to cheat on me. Everything else but never that. Not after every hurdle we've been through."

Callie turned towards the window again. She didn't really feel like she had expressed all she wanted but it was a start. A start of what she wasn't sure of. She didn't think she had any fight left in her. Was there really anything left to fight for?

"Do you still love me? Are we here fighting for us? Do you see a future with me or not? Are you going to work on your problems, your issues? Are we going to work on our issues? Are you still in love with me? Arizona, tell me, why are we here? Seeing Dr Ways?"

Arizona stared at Callie. During all of the previous appointments she had been the only one to speak. Not once had Callie said anything and now she just laid it on. She could see this taking its toll on the Latina. She had obviously lost weight and she wasn't her happy self anymore. That was her fault. She had been the one to hurt Callie. She had cheated. But it had felt so invigorating. So much alive. Now the walls were closing in on her.

"Callie." She blinked.

"Please turn around." She didn't know what possessed her to say that but she wanted Callie to really hear her. When Callie had turned again she started.

"Callie, I know you won't believe me but please, please try to understand. I do love you. So, so much. I know I've been a monster this year. And I have tried to work past it. You've been here for all of the sessions so you've heard it all. But…" Arizona took a deep breath.

"But, if it hadn't been for Lauren I'd never be where I am today. Yes, I cheated and I hate it but that's what made me, you and everyone else realize the fact that I am not over losing my leg. I haven't grieved for losing it or for losing Lexie and Mark." She paused. Callie was actually listening.

"We haven't grieved! I have issues. You have issues and we together have issues and without Laura we would still not see or acknowledge our issues. But, Calliope, I do love you. I am in love with you I just haven't been able to see past my anger. Please. I have… "She hadn't really said it before because she wasn't weak. She was a good man in a storm.

"I have PTSD. It's no excuse but…"

Callie stared at Arizona and actually laughed. "You think that because you now figured out you're not fine makes it OK to sleep with someone else?" She couldn't really contain her anger. She had been holding it in for too long. "That's bullshit! You knew what you were doing. Or did you just forget you had a wife and a daughter?"

"Dr Torres. Please, Arizona is just honest. Calm down." Dr Ways decided that she had to try and calm the Latina down. She had been extremely calm during all the previous sessions but right now Callie was boiling with anger.

"No, Dr Ways. I have sat her listening to Arizona and if there's any chance in hell that we 're going to fight for an us I need to yell and she needs to hear me. Everything's not always about her."

As the emotions were running high Arizona wished she wasn't there. She knew she was at fault here but she couldn't take all the blame and she was trying. She really was. As a pager beeped she let out a deep breath. It was such a relief to cut the session short.

"Shit, it's the ER. Let's go!"

* * *

"Dr Torres, it's Addison again." Callie was tired and this surgery was not going well. A kid had come in to the ER after being in a car accident. She really didn't have much to work with. Amputation really was the kid's best choice but that was not something she considered right now. And, she could absolutely not understand why Lauren was in her OR. She thought she had made herself clear with the Chief. Under no circumstances was Lauren to ever set foot in her OR.

Arizona was standing in the viewing room watching her rock star work. She was going to do everything she could to save her marriage.

"Fine. Put her on speaker. "Callie gave a short nod to the nurse and then she heard Addison's voice.

"Callie. I've been trying to reach to you for over an hour. Where are you?"

"In the OR. Where else? So what's so important that you couldn't wait? We do talk every night you know." Callie laughed. Addison had been a blessing in all of this. Her shoulder to cry on.

"Yeah but I couldn't wait." Addison was actually laughing. I checked with the Avery's. They cannot buy you out but the other doctors and the it" she said the last word with disgust, "can. They just need to find the money. If they don't have it you are free to sell to whomever. Since you put in the same amount as the rest you have an equal share as the others. I also …" Addison began.

Arizona gasped. She understood that Addison hated her but why would Callie want to sell? The entire OR was focused on the call from Addison. Everybody was curious. It was deathly silent and they all seemed to work in perfect sync. Why on earth didn't anybody remind Callie she that she was in the OR.

"Addie. Don't say it about her." Callie had completely forgotten about the surgery and the rest of the OR. She was working with her part, the legs, the rest didn't really matter right now to her.

"I know you mean well but I love her. Still. And you cannot just say that about her."

Addison heard the desperation in Callie's voice but she just couldn't stay silent.

"Callie. SHE cheated on you. I'm your best friend. I had the talk with her. Which I'm sure Mark had as well. She promised Cal. She promised that she would never hurt you, not intentionally. But she did, on purpose. She knows your history and I'm sorry but she just doesn't deserve you. You didn't even grieve Mark. He was your best friend and you couldn't even cry for him. She is nothing but a waste of space."

"Addie please don't say that." Callie wasn't crying but her voice was broken.

Arizona however was crying. She didn't realize how hurtful she had been. She was just now starting to remember the past year. Everything was still basically a blur. How much had she actually hurt her wife? She zoned out the rest of the phone conversation. It wasn't till she heard a familiar name that she snapped back into focus.

"Anyway, I talked to my chief. I know you didn't mention this but I think it'd be good for you. If you want, the head of Ortho is yours at the end of next month. Just say the word and I will arrange for you and Sofia to come here.

* * *

**AN:** So it this something I should continue or am I a really bad writer?


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** Wow, it really boost one's ego when someone says you should continue. Thank you! Let's hope it'll be worth it.

* * *

_Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. The plane crashed. Shut up. I'm married to an ortho surgeon. Where's my shoes? Derek? Derek? Derek? Lexie? We crashed. The plane crashed. No, I can do it myself. You go and find Derek. Shut up. Shut up. Oh god. Lexie is dead. Mark hang on. We have to get back to Sofia. Sofia and Calliope. There's bugs in my leg. I'm going to die. Mark, hang on. It's cold. The wolves, they're going to eat us. Callie I love you. Oh god my leg. I'm married to an ortho god. She can fix me. I'm going to die. Mark don't you die on me. Shut up. Shut up. Where's my shoes? Oh god, Sofia. I miss you. I love you! Hey baby. You ready for round two? You were so good. I love your mouth. That thing you do with your tongue? Never had any better. Yeah, I'm so ready for another round. So wet for you. I bet your wife never could do this to you. Sofia! Callie! I love you. Where's my shoes? No, I can splint it myself. Mark, we have to make it out alive. Mmm, baby, just let go. Come for me, baby. Callie can't satisfy you like I can. _

"NO, I love my wife!" Arizona screamed as she tried to wake herself. She was sweating profusely and couldn't shake the nightmare which still had her in its grip. As she trashed in bed she suddenly fell of the bed landing on her limb and screamed in pain. She couldn't stop shaking and her sobs were threatening to overwhelm her. She looked around her room but felt disoriented. She had been staying at the Archfield the few times she hadn't slept at the hospital. Neither option was particularly good but what choice did she have? As she looked down she saw her legs, or rather her leg and that stupid limb.

"I hate you. I hate you." She used her hands and hit her limb. She was crying hard but every time she stopped hitting her limb the panic came back. She couldn't calm herself down. _A fucking nightmare and I'm back to the plane crash. Deep breaths Arizona, deep breaths. I am a doctor for god sake. I know this. _

Some time later she had calmed down considerably and slowly made her way towards her bathroom. As she let the water cascade over her, washing her clean from the nightmare she knew she had some tough decisions to make. It was time to step up and be the woman she knew she was. How was she supposed to solve anything with Calliope if she couldn't love herself as she was? She had to get to know herself again, find herself again and love herself again. The pity party was over. It really had been, for a long time.

She cleaned up the messy hotel room, packed the few bags she had and headed towards the hospital where she threw her bags in her office before heading down to the Chief. It was the middle of the night but she knew Hunt would be there. He usually was.

She stepped right in and closed the door. She had come prepared. She knew what she was going to say. Or at least she thought so.

"Doctor."

"Robbins, what are you doing here?

"Hunt, I need a leave of absence." She started. She wasn't really afraid of him turning her down just that he might question her decisions.

"I'm not going to bail but I need to get back to myself. I need to fix this. Fix me. I need to love myself again." She was a bit surprised with her own wording but then again, Hunt _knew_ what she was going through. He really _knew_ and maybe he was the only one understanding what she actually felt. The other doctors didn't seem to think that much about the crash any longer.

"Arizona. What do you mean? What are you going to do? Don't do anything rash."

"Rash?" Arizona laughed.

"Rash would be sleeping with someone else while your wife is waiting for you. With your daughter. Rash would be throwing hateful words around just so you might feel a little bit better because you could hurt the once you love" She stopped. It was not his problem and he didn't deserve her anger. It was not him he was upset with.

"I'm not going to leave. I've packed up the hotel room I was staying at. I going to head up to psych." She paused when he saw the horrifying look on Hunt's face. If this wasn't so serious it had been fun.

"Not to be admitted." She hastily threw out. "Just to get a therapist, for myself, to help me. And then I'm going over to Mark's. I can't live in a suitcase." She studied his face but he didn't say anything.

"You see Hunt. I do have a problem. And I'm finally saying that I do."

* * *

Callie was tired. She really was. Why couldn't people just let her be for a few minutes? She understood they were angry with Arizona and just wanted to help but god dammit. Didn't they understand that they weren't allowed to trash her? SHE was but their friends not so much. They should just butt out and shut up. SHE was allowed to say whatever the hell she wanted about Arizona but them. That was a no no. She just wanted a quiet evening, a glass of wine and some music. She didn't want to think about all the drama and everything that had happened. Just a quiet night alone without thinking.

As she rode the elevator up to their apartment she thought about Addison's phone call. Maybe it would be good for them to go out of town for a while. Just to get her bearings and come to terms with all that had happened. Maybe they should all go. She could easily take a leave of absence for a while. Sofia, well if she was on vacation so was her little girl. She smiled at that thought. A nice little mini vacation with just the three of them. Maybe Spain. She never did take Arizona to Spain. Africa and Sofia happened. A wedding happened. It was one of the absolute best days of her life. How amazing it felt to stand there and pledge a life together. She frowned then she remembered. Oh, Dr Fuck happened. How easy it was to forget.

When she turned the key opening the door Sofia rushed inside screaming for mama.

"Mama, mama." Her voice was heading towards a full scream and tears were trickling down her cheeks. "Mama, mama. I want Mama."

Callie was used to this by now. Sofia missed her mama and while they did see each other during the days the nights were still spent solely with her. Sofia didn't understand why her mama wasn't there anymore and she missed her. Callie missed her too.

"Sof, mama's not here tonight. She's working. Come on let's eat and then it's off to bed for you missy." She smiled at Sofia but she wasn't interested.

"Mama, mama, mama, mama. No work. I want mama." Before Callie had even tried to placate the crying child, Sofia was smashing down the plates left from yesterday's dinner from the table.

"Mama, mama." She hiccupped. "I want mama."

Callie stared at Sofia. She was sitting on the floor surrounded by broken plates and leftover food. She was smashing plates as fast as she could and screaming for her mama. Callie's heart ached. For Sofia. For Arizona. For herself. Her daughter was sitting crying her eyes out for her mama and Callie had absolutely no idea what to do. She wanted to call Arizona. Get her to come home. To her, to Sofia, to her family. She was so tired and seeing Sofia throwing an emotional tantrum broke her heart. Was this what her family was becoming? She quickly closed the distance between them, sat down next to Sofia, picked her up and hugged her.

"Oh, Sofia, I miss her too. So, so much." She started to rock back and forth as she talked soothingly.

"We're just in a bad place now. We'll get through it, somehow." She continued to rock and Sofia slowly calmed down.

"We love mama, don't we, Sof. She loves us. She loves you Sofia. Mama loves you."

Sofia looked up at Callie with tearful eyes. She was beginning to tire and wanted to be comforted.

"Mama loves Sofia." She said. "I love mama. We love mama. Mama home soon?"

Callie closed her eyes and nodded. "Mama home soon."

* * *

**AN:** So, hope this was good as well. Feel free to point out errors I've made.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:**So, time for another update. I will really only update on weekends since I have too much to do during the weekdays. Anyway, thanks for all your kind reviews. It's really nice to get feedback when you're, you know, new to this fanfiction thing. So please, continue and review.

So, on to the update and hope you enjoy it...

* * *

"Come in" Arizona opened the door and rushed in. She was late. The accident involving three children had taken priority and it wasn't until she was sure they were in no danger that she left. She did not want to finish off her last shift with death. Hunt had been understanding and granted her her leave of absence but had told her she had to finish her morning shift since she had three scheduled surgeries. Besides those, there had been four different emergencies, the last one being the three children. So, here she was, late for their appointment with Doctor Ways.

"So sorry I'm late but there was an emergency. I'm here now. I won't be late again." She looked around the room searching for Callie but she wasn't there. Immediately she tensed. _Why wasn't she there? Was she giving up? Had she already left? _"Where's Calliope?" she asked with a small voice afraid of the answer.

"She is running late as well. Something about a complication of sorts."

Arizona relaxed. Callie was coming. "Oh. Well ok. I actually wanted to ask you something." She took her seat, the same one she had sat on the previous sessions, grabbed the bottle of water that was placed on the table in front of her and calmed herself down with a quick sip.

"Ok, so I…" She took another sip. How hard could this actually be? Doctor Way was a therapist so why should she feel embarrassed? She began again, this time with a steady voice. "Last night I was up in psych and made an appointment. With a psychologist. I'm still going to come here because this is about us, about Calliope and me but I need to figure out myself as well." She took another sip. "Should I tell Calliope?"

"Tell me what? You keeping secrets from me again? Why should I be surprised? That's all you seem to do lately." Callie was not in the mood for therapy. She really wanted to move past this but she had had a rough night with Sofia which resulted in no sleep and then she'd had back to back surgeries all day and to top it off her kid from yesterday took a turn for the worse and in just over an hour she had another surgery. She was tired and pissed off. She wanted snuggles and fairytales and white picket fence with that stupid chicken farm and what did she have? Therapy sessions with her wife, with her cheating wife who still kept secrets. Well fuck her!

"You know what? Screw this. You and Blondie can live happily ever after. I'm tired of this shit. Sofia keeps screaming and crying for her mama. Do you know how exhausting it is to try and pacify her because you aren't there? Because you fucked someone that wasn't me. Because you just reached in, grabbed my heart, tossed it on the ground and fucking stomped on it. Do you know how incredibly exhausted I am because as much as I don't want to, I miss you like crazy. I love you so much it hurts every time I go to bed and you're not there. Every time I see you at work or your name on the board I want to run to you. How do you go on living when you are missing the other piece of your soul?" Callie was sobbing. Her anger had left her and now she just felt empty.

"I…" Arizona didn't know what to say. In a strange way she felt relieved and happy. They had been to a couple of sessions already and besides the last one the Latina hadn't really reacted. Arizona had had too much to deal with to see it but right now she saw how much her wife had been keeping inside. She needed to be angry. More than once.

"Doctor Torres, Arizona was also running late and prior to you coming in she was asking for my opinion on a matter. Callie, please sit down. This isn't something that is resolved with a few quick sessions. You both need time to heal and believe in each other again."

Callie slumped down in the sofa, as far away from her wife as she could. She ached to be closer but it hurt too much. She didn't mean to say all that but she was tired. She stared down at her wedding ring. She couldn't take it off. It meant too much. She just wanted to fast forward to the good times. She wanted them healed and together. She glanced towards Arizona to see if she had her wedding band. She hadn't really looked before, she was too afraid of what she would find. What if she didn't wear it?

Arizona, why don't you start with what we talked about before Callie came?"

"What? Now?" She thought they were going to address Callie's statement. They couldn't just let that one go.

"Yes, now"

"But I thought…" She shook her head as to clear her mind and took another sip of water.

"Last night I had a nightmare. A really horrifying nightmare." She paused. She didn't really want to get into what it was about. Not yet. "Anyway, I asked for time off which was granted, then I went up to psych, made an appointment and headed over to Mark's. I've been staying here and at the Archfield but I need to be closer to Sofia and if I'm going to be better, if we are going to be better, I have to have a solid place to stay." She stood up and walked over to her wife.

I feel like I'm missing my soul too. I really want us to have it all back. Bigger, better and absolutely amazing and I think we can. Please don't give up on me. Please don't move away." The last part she whispered but she knew Callie heard her anyway.

* * *

"Dr Robbins. We need you right now. "After Arizona's speech Callie had simply said ok and they had switched over to talk about Sofia. Doctor Ways even went so far as to suggest Sofia spent a night or two with Arizona. Arizona let out an excited "Yes, yes" before she looked over to see Callie's reaction. Clearly she wasn't aboard that idea as much as Arizona but before they had time to talk about it the door bust opened and Karev yelled for her.

"I'm not on duty. In fact I'm off, like taking time off." She replied. She wanted to finish this session and she wanted to have Sofia come over to her place, well Mark's place but still.

"It's a car crash. Woman seven months pregnant about to go into labor. Husband and a boy DOA. A two year old girl with internal bleeding and crashing. We need you!"

Arizona jumped to her feet and ran towards the elevator. A two year old. She couldn't help but think about Sofia. She needed to help. And technically she had forty five minutes left of her shift. After this she was going. She really was.

Callie watched her wife. "Do you see that doctor Ways? When she doesn't think, she doesn't even remember only having one leg. She just jumped up and ran. Well, I might add. Why is this so hard for her?" Callie turned to Doctor Ways. She just wanted an answer.

"Doctor Torres, it has never been about the leg. That is just an outlet, an easy target."

* * *

After Arizona had left for the emergency Callie had checked the board to see that Arizona indeed was in the OR. Doctor Ways last words were weighting heavenly on her mind. Sure she had done her psych rotations but right now she came up blank. Of course it was about the leg. She'd cut it off instead of letting her wife die. Her wife would rather be dead than living with one leg, or at least that's what she'd thought. But, it _was_ easy to blame the leg that much she knew. In any event they hadn't finished their discussion about Sofia's sleeping arrangements so after finding out that Arizona was in OR 2 she headed up to the viewing room so they could discuss it when she was finished. She still had one surgery left but felt it important to just let Arizona know that she wanted to finish their earlier conversation.

They didn't really interact outside of the therapy sessions and watching her wife preform an amazing surgery on a two year old was like old times. She couldn't help smiling and as she leaned on the glass that separated the OR and the viewing room she couldn't help but feel hopeful. _Yes, we will get through this. _

Arizona was tired. The surgery had taken a lot longer than she thought but at least the little girl was going to survive. The rest of the family hadn't been so lucky. She couldn't help but think that maybe it would have been better if the girl hadn't survived. The mother had succumbed to her injuries while in labor. They had done an emergency C-section but it hadn't helped and despite their efforts the baby had died.

She headed towards her office to gather her belongings before heading home. She limped heavenly and her leg ached. What she wouldn't do for a massage. Somewhere between Callie and her getting intimate again and her cheating Callie had taken to massage her limb after long days. She had been annoyed at first but after each time she felt more and more relaxed and now it was something she looked forward to. Or was.

When she neared her office she found Callie waiting for her with Sofia. Sofia was wiggling to get down and once Callie had let her she ran towards her.

"Hey baby girl." She hugged her child and lifted her effortlessly.

"Mama" Sofia cried. "Mama, mama. Home soon?" Arizona looked down and saw a teary smile on her daughter's face. How could she ever have jeopardized her family? Why hadn't she been honest?

"I thought you wanted to see her." Callie said cautiously. "And, since this is your last shift for a while." She paused somewhat nervously. "Maybe you want her to spend the night with you?


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** So, time for an update. This is really just a filler for the times ahead but I felt it was needed.

Thanks for all the nice reviews! I'm really glad to get them, it makes me want to have more time to write. Now on to the story...

* * *

There wasn't really anything wrong in checking out a new working place. She wasn't going to take it, she had promised Arizona not to leave but still, it couldn't hurt to have a quick look around. Besides, maybe she could get some new ideas for the department back in Seattle.

The plan ride from Seattle had felt really long. Maybe it was because she was travelling alone and the quietness of it all surprised her. She usually always travelled with Arizona and Sofia and _that_, obviously, was not in the least bit quiet. The last time had been when they had flown out to visit Arizona's parents. It had been hectic and the plane ride had been absolutely awful.

_"__Arizona, relax. It's ok, the flight's just under two hours. We're all here and nothing is gonna happen. And if it does, and I stress if, we're together." Callie sighed. It was always the same. Arizona hated flying and no matter how much she tried to calm her down it always ended up with both Arizona and Sofia throwing a mild tantrum. Sure, Arizona could control herself when it came to medical flights but vacations? No, every single time she stressed over it. _

_"__Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to tax out. Please fasten your seatbelts."_

_"__I hate the starting part." Arizona whispered. Callie reached over and gripped Arizona's hand. With Sofia in between them it was all she could do and yet she had to calm her down. If Arizona got worried, Sofia got worried. She really wanted to laugh. Sofia was in that stage where she copied everything Arizona did and being scared of flying was something she really did not want Sofia to take after. She knew of course that the real problem wasn't so much the flying, it was the I'm-not-in-control that was the problem. _

_"__Next time we'll just drive. People just shouldn't fly. It's not safe and you know, miles, like thousands of miles up. Long way down. Yes, next time we'll drive." _

_"__You know, it's not so safe to drive either. Just suck it up and don't upset Sofia. I don't want her afraid of flying. " Callie was beginning to tire. Every single time it was the same._

_"__But…" Arizona started but as the plane taxed out and headed towards full speed she clutched Callie's hand hard to stop herself from shaking. _

_Once in the air Callie released Arizona's hand and had the flight attendant bring them some drinks, orange juice for herself and Sofia and something stronger for Arizona. _

That could have been it. But of course Sofia had picked up on her mama's feelings and before long she was crying that they were going to die because her mama had said so. When the other kids on the flight had started crying as well the flight crew had begged them to try and pacify Sofia. "If you can't deal with flying then you shouldn't fly" one of the attendants had said. In the end she had managed to get Sofia to calm down, apologize to the other passengers and got Arizona to simply stay still and quiet. _Not our finest moment_ she mused. She briefly wondered if she would ever get Arizona on a plane again. That last flight had been before the crash.

But, this time she had been alone, no Arizona to keep calm and no Sofia to comfort, it really had been quiet. She didn't really like the fact that she had left Sofia with Arizona. Yes, she was Sofia's mother and they needed to bond and time to find a routine for just the two of them but she still felt like she had abandoned Sofia for a couple of nights with Addie but she really needed this. She was suffocating in Seattle trying to balance everything and ever since their last therapy session she hadn't felt in control. And she still couldn't fathom that maybe not everything was about the leg. So, she needed to get away, get perspective on things and what better way than visiting Addie and checking out the practice. But still, Sofia, leaving Sofia was hard and Arizona had almost been in tears when she had explained about the trip. She hadn't said anything about checking out the practice just that she needed to get away for a bit but Arizona had still been upset. Sofia however, had just waved _bye bye_ and snuggled deeper into Arizona's arms. It had hurt. Of course she knew Sofia missed Arizona but still it hurt.

Now however, she was here, checking out the place while she was waiting for Addie to finish up. There were a lot of perks with this practice. Regular hours, only scheduled surgeries and there didn't seem to be quite that much gossip. At least not so far. And they had top notch machines. But, she was just having a look; she really had decided to stay in Seattle. It was her home, Sofia's home and well, Arizona's. And she had promised Arizona. Of course her promises didn't really mean that much anymore but still. She sighed, why did Addie have to work in such a peaceful place?

"Callie! You're finally here." Addie strolled up to the front desk and gave the Latina a hard hug. "I really missed you" Addie said. "And I'm so sorry I couldn't come to Seattle but you're here and we're going to drown our sorrows and find you a young nice hook up while you're here. You need it."

Callie rolled her eyes. She had tried, repeatedly, to explain that she was still devoted to her wife. It wasn't like she could just up and leave. They had responsibilities and she was not a cheater and they were still married and going through therapy sessions. And they had helped.

"Addie" She scolded. "Nice to see you too." She said as she hugged her best friend as if her life was depending on it. She needed that comfort, the touch, no matter how brief, from another human who cared.

"Yes to drinking. Yes to clubbing but hooking up is a no no. Addie, no messing with me. I am married, at least until we decide otherwise. I would never do anything like that even if our marriage isn't what it should be. Please, just be my friend in all of this." Callie's voice was steady and she meant every word. She hoped Addie understood the seriousness in it.

"Of course. I'm sorry. Why don't we get out of here and then I'll spring for a day of shopping before an alcohol induced night of fun and no thinking? Tomorrow, I'm off and then we can think and discuss and argue and do all the things you came here to do. Ok?

"Ok" Let's go."

* * *

Arizona was pacing nervously outside the psych ward waiting to be let in. She had her first appointment and the psychologist had her office inside the locked ward so she had to wait to be cleared to be let in. As a doctor she took for granted that she could come and go as she pleased all around the hospital but as a patient she realized that she too had to follow the rules set in place. And right now she wasn't a doctor, right now she was a woman adrift seeking help to be herself again.

"Doctor Robbins, come right this way, Doctor Wright is waiting for you." The receptionist buzzed the door open door and once Arizona had gone through it she locked it again. For a few seconds Arizona kept staring at the locked door. She would _not_ be able to get out of her own, someone had to open the door for her and suddenly she felt trapped and in two strides she had her hands on the door handle trying to get it to open up. _Why had she locked the door? "It's ok to lose control, Arizona."_

"No, no, it's not OK to lose control" Arizona murmured as she desperately tried to open the door. _If she just hadn't locked that door_. She couldn't find a lock and she banged her hands on the glass. "It is not OK to lose control"

"Doctor Robbins" a clear voice rang out and despite Arizona's struggle she heard it and immediately snapped to attention. A woman in her late fifties was standing beside her careful not to touch her but trying to get her to calm down.

"Doctor Robbins, I'm Doctor Wright" the woman said in a soft voice.

Arizona couldn't keep herself from laughing. "A psych named Wright?" Arizona let her hands fall from the glass to the handle and turned towards the other doctor. "I'm losing it aren't I?" she asked quietly.

"Doctor Robbins, Arizona, why don't you follow me to my office and we'll talk once we're there?

Arizona tried the handle one more time and then slowly turned to follow the other doctor. She looked kind and Arizona felt herself trusting her despite not having met her before. During the short walk back to the doctor's office she willed herself to calm down. Right now she had Sofia to take care of and a mental breakdown was not on her to do list.

A couple of minutes later they were seated in Doctor Wright's office. Arizona looked around. She had a warm and caring office with both nice pictures of what she assumed, was the doctor's family, and two large palm trees. She felt comfortable_. I guess they want their crazy people to feel calm_ she thought to herself.

"So, Arizona, I'm going to call you Arizona because you're here, not as a doctor but as a woman, so Arizona, why are you here?"

Arizona squirmed in her seat. Way to ease into this, this, thing. Wasn't the doctor going to explain about sessions, time tables, what to expect and what about that half and half breakdown in the ward?

"Ehh, I… well you know what happened, so that's why I'm here." She didn't really like to talk about it. With Doctor Ways it was easier. Then they were both there and she felt the need to try and explain to Callie everything that happened. But here with this doctor she was on her own and she still thought about that locked door. Right now she was on the other side of a locked door and she couldn't leave without someone buzzing her out. Technically she was locked up and that didn't sit well with her.

"If…" God, she hated this feeling. "If we make another appointment could we perhaps meet outside of this ward? Without any locked doors?" She looked over at the other doctor who simply stared at her. "I mean, I'm not really crazy, I shouldn't be here, locked up like this. Locked doors are not good" Arizona couldn't believe what she said. She didn't think this appointment could get any worse and it had just started. Why couldn't she just let go of the locked door, _It's OK to lose control, Arizona._

She rose abruptly from her seat. "I have to get out of here. This is so wrong." She quickly left the room and headed towards the door. She had to get out of there; she just needed to be on the other side of that damn door. If she was on the other side then everything would be easier. It would, it really would.

As she neared the door she heard Doctor Wright call after her but she didn't stop and once she reached the door she banged on it.

"Open the door. Please" She asked calmly and when the door buzzed open she quickly opened it and stepped outside. All the pent up frustration left her and she suddenly felt drained. Sliding down the wall she sat down just outside of the psych ward shaking her head to try and clear it of thoughts. _What is wrong with me?_ Her sight started to blur as tears made their way down her cheek and she couldn't control her quiet sobbing. It wasn't until she felt another body sliding down next to her that she regained control of her emotions and dried her eyes.

"Not really the best way to start a session with a psychologist, is it? She whispered to the person beside her.

"I never thought I would lose it like that. I've been raised to do better, to be better, you know. I just, I don't know who I am anymore." She turned slightly to the other person sitting next to her but couldn't think of anything more to add so she sat there watching the other doctor observing her.

They sat in silence for the reminder of the session. Doctor Wright had come out and just sat beside her, not saying anything and for that Arizona was thankful. She just needed to collect her thoughts. Strangely she felt better that she had in a long time. Right now she just had herself to care for. These minutes she spent with the doctor outside psych were hers and hers alone. Sofia was down in daycare and Callie was off with Addison. That was a hard blow, hearing her wife stating that she was going to visit Addison for a couple of days. She hadn't forgotten about the phone call in the OR and even if Callie had promised not to leave, she still felt as if Callie was drifting away. But, these minutes, these precious minutes, where everything was silent and nobody chased her to do anything were hers alone and she felt overjoyed and relaxed and for a fleeting moment she felt like herself again.

"Arizona, how about we schedule another appointment for tomorrow morning?"

"Yes, that is fine." But as she had said the words she changed her mind.

"No, wait, I… I know my time's up but if you have the time right now I want to start. I just, I want to start. Just for a couple of minutes if that's ok." She fiddled with her hands as she spoke but with each word she was gaining strength. This was for her, not for Sofia, not for Callie but for her. These moments, these minutes with the doctor were only for her. And in that precise moment it was what she needed.

"Please, just a couple of minutes."

* * *

Feel free to review :)


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:** Time for another update. Hope you all enjoy it. Thanks for the reviews. Love them!

* * *

"Oh my God" Callie tried to get her bearings and leave the unfamiliar bed she was in but everything was spinning and she couldn't quite make out what was up and what was down. She lay down again to try and sleep it off but her stomach was playing roller coaster with her and barely a minute later she turned to her left and emptied the contents of her stomach. She felt a tiny bit better so again she tried to get up and head for the bathroom, wherever that was. She made it off the bed and headed for the door but the roller coaster was on its way uphill again and it was just a matter of time. She made it out in the hall way and made a beeline for the first door she thought was the bathroom. Not a minute later she was on her knees retching, thanking God that she made it this time. It wasn't until half an hour later she felt remotely like a human being again. As she rinsed she picked up a small towel to clean up her mess in the bedroom.

"Good morning my lovely lady." Addie's voice sang from the door. Callie looked up from her position on the floor looking like she wanted to kill her.

"Could you be a little louder? I don't think they heard you in China." she managed to get out while she continued cleaning up the final mess. "What the hell happened last night? I feel like I've been run over by a truck. With a trailer. Full of heavy stones." She sat down with her back against the bed, head in her hands. "Kill me now please"

"I come with a peace offering, coffee and some Tylenol. How does that sound?"

Callie stretched out her hand to grab it. Maybe the coffee would help settle her stomach and clear her mind from the spinning she still felt but somehow she doubted it.

"Hmm, how about you take a shower and then come downstairs. You smell like vomit." Callie blinked at Addie and grabbed for the offered coffee.

"Just give me the damn coffee and then I'll shower. If I can stand up that is." Callie was not in the mood for argument. She took a mouthful of coffee and swept down the Tylenol. Just a couple of more minutes and then she might be able to move again. Just as soon as everything stopped spinning.

One hour later, showered and with a clear mind, she followed the rich aroma of fresh brewed coffee downstairs to the kitchen and plopped down at the bar reaching for yet another coffee. Her shower had done wonders for her and she was actually feeling like a human being. If she could just get some more coffee and a plate of breakfast she would be fine in no time.

"So, what's the plan for today? More shopping? Clubbing or what?" Callie sipped her coffee waiting for Addie to finish whatever she was making for breakfast.

"Well", Addie began, "I thought that we could talk. You know about what happened. About Arizona"

Callie fidgeted in her seat. It wasn't like she hadn't anticipated this from Addie, she was her best friend after all she just didn't know what to say. Did she really want to talk with Addison about this? She had made it rather clear what she thought about Arizona and talking about it would just upset her even more and hadn't she gone to visit Addie to get away from it all?

Callie sighed, "I don't know. What could I possibly have to talk about when it comes to Arizona with you? You've made it clear how you feel."

She stood up, rounded the bar so she was in the kitchen with Addie. "Although I can't for the life of me understand why you'd say these things about her. If you recall, you're a cheater as well." The more she thought about it the more upset she became.

"What gives you the right to trash Arizona when you are her?"

"Callie, I'm your friend, that's why. And this is totally different and you know it." Addie scooped up the eggs and bacon she made for breakfast and handed Callie a plate, "Eat up you need to get some grease in you."

Callie glared at Addie but took the plate. "I love her Addie and I can't just turn those feelings off. She is it for me and if we can't figure this out I don't know what I'm going to do. She is my best friend, the love of my life, the mother of my child and my passionate lover and I just don't know who I am without her. I need her." Callie looked over at Addie trying to find the words she didn't really believe yet but needed to say out loud anyway.

"I've forgiven her Addie."

"That's such a load of bullshit Callie. Do you honestly think that I'd believe that? You haven't forgiven her. Yet. Because quite frankly, if you had, you wouldn't be here right now so just stop with the fakeness. Tell me the truth. How do you feel?"

Callie slumped to the bar, all her energy seemed to have left her. "She wants to cut off my leg." Instead of looking up at Addie as she heard her gasp she watched the shadow shift as the sun disappeared for a moment.

"To make us even. When" She didn't know what to say. How do you explain one of the worst moments in your life to someone?

"When I found out about her and Doctor Boswell she told me that she wanted to cut off my leg to make us even and that I should stop pretending to be a victim. That I hadn't lost anything. That I wasn't a victim because I hadn't been on the plane. That I'd been safe all the time."

"I'm gonna kill her. I'm going to get on a plane to Seattle and then I'm gonna kill her, slowly, with a dull knife." Addie was furious. How could Arizona think that Callie wasn't a victim as well? "Callie, you are a victim. Not the same as Arizona but still a victim."

Callie finished her breakfast before she looked over at Addie. "She never asked me about those four days." she whispered. "Those four days when I didn't know." She hopped of her stool and paced as she continued.

"I spent four days not knowing anything and she never ever asked how I was feeling." She had so much pent up frustration and anger inside and she couldn't control it.

"For the better part of a year I've taken her abuse, downplaying my own emotions so I wouldn't hurt her. I did everything for her because she needed me to and know she accuses me of acting as if I was on that plane. Acting as if I was on that plane." She was on a roll and it felt good. Oh so good. The more she thought about the past year the angrier she got. Arizona didn't deserve her forgiveness.

"She knew I was safe. She knew Sofia was safe. Even if she for one second thought that she wasn't gonna make it she knew we, her family was safe. I didn't know anything. I spent four fucking days not knowing shit and then she makes me promise something she knows I can't keep and she blames me when she is the one who fucked someone else. She kissed someone. She touched someone intimately that wasn't me. She let someone else watch her climaxing and she made someone else, someone that wasn't me, come from her touch. And then she blames me for that!

She didn't have time to stop, she was too angry and a second later without a conscious thought about what she was doing she tried to bury her dominant hand inside one of Addie's concrete walls.

* * *

Arizona was once again pacing outside the psych ward waiting for the doctor but this time she felt relaxed and was looking forward to the session with the doctor. Doctor Wright had reluctantly agreed to meet outside the ward and find another room to talk in. Maybe it wasn't exactly done according to the rules but sometimes rules were meant to bend and this was one of those times.

The few minutes last night with the doctor had served to help her get her bearings and to start getting back to some sort of order in her life.

_"__You have ten minutes Arizona, then I have another appointment." Arizona turned to fully watch the doctor, she wanted the doctor to have her full attention. _

_"__Doctor Wright, these moments, these minutes with you, they are just mine. And I… I want to be better. I want to understand why I did what I did and how I can overcome this. I'm here just for me, not for Calliope, not even for Sofia." She couldn't help the tears that slowly made their way down her cheeks. It felt so wrong saying that. Not the part about Callie, she was an adult and no matter what Callie would survive but Sofia, she was an innocent and yet she was in the middle of all this. But, she just couldn't do this for anybody than herself. If she did, it wouldn't be real. These sessions with Doctor Wright they had to be about her and not her and Callie or her and Sofia, just about her as a person, a human being._

_"__Yes, I did cheat on Callie and I do regret it but that is not really an issue. I mean of course it's an issue but that's not my issue that's something Callie and I have to talk about and we do. Here, with you I think I need to talk and discuss other aspects of my life. Like why am I stuck on missing a leg? I'm a doctor; I know I can live a perfectly full life with one leg. I could even learn how to use my wheelies again." She took a couple of breaths, strangely she felt like saying these things wasn't as hard as she had expected. She knew that this was just barely scratching the surface but she wanted the doctor to know why she was here._

_"__I want to find myself again and then I want to reconnect with my wife and daughter. That is why I'm here Doctor Wright."_

"Ok, Arizona, I've found us a room, just follow me. I must however say that at some point you need to overcome this fear of locked wards and have sessions with me in my office."

Arizona watched Doctor Wright marching towards the elevator and she hurriedly followed her. Despite the fact that their first session hadn't really been a session she found that she trusted this older woman. She wasn't going to get away with anything.

"It's not about the ward, it's about the locked door. Locked doors can lead to families breaking apart." She surprised herself as she admitted that so easily.

Once inside the room she didn't really know what to say. She knew what she wanted, needed to talk about but she didn't know how to talk about it.

"So, Arizona, let's start with something easy. Tell me about your wife."

Arizona looked thoughtful for a moment before her eyes shone and a smile came to her lips.

"I heard the nurses talk about her. Being an Ortho God but failing at relationships. I couldn't stop myself from kissing her that night in the bar. She is just so beautiful." Her dimples popped put and she could see Doctor Wright smiling at her.

"She is all I ever think about. Her and Sofia. When she said yes to marry me I was the happiest woman alive." She felt her eyes water up but didn't try to hide from the doctor.

"I never thought I would marry nor did I think I would have kids. That just wasn't for me but then I met Calliope and everything changed. She made me a better woman. She made me a good man in a storm. Then the plane happened" She sighed. Everything was about the plane. Before the doctor could interrupt her she continued well aware of the fact that this wasn't really what she should talk about right now.

"I wasn't supposed to be on that plane. Alex was, but I was mad at him so I took his place. I hate flying. I want to have control but in a plane I have none. I don't know how long it took, it felt as we had just started the flight. The plane split while we were still in the air. I saw the seats vanish, I saw my friends vanish into the air. I think Derek was the first to go." She paused for a second to gulp down some water.

"Calliope used to say that the safest way to travel is by plane. She never says that anymore." She looked up at the doctor and saw her looking at her. Not with pity but like she understood.

"I could see the ground coming faster. I tried to look around but at that time I was the only one left on board, at least I think so. I didn't see anyone else. They say that your entire life flashes before you when you're in an accident. I just saw Callie and Sofia. I didn't ever consider my parents or anyone else."

"Arizona I think that is eno…" Doctor Wright began but was immediately interrupted.

"I panicked. I looked around and couldn't see anybody else. I screamed at Jerry but he didn't answer. I was sure he was dead and the ground was approaching so fast. I thought that I could trick it. That I could jump of the plane just before touchdown. That I would be safe. I panicked and tried to loosen the belt." She remembered those horrifying moments just before the plane crashed.

"The plane was already split up and if I could just get out of my belt I could jump. There was just my seat on the floor, my side and roof were gone. I remember thinking it was cold. The wind was cold. If the belt would just loosen up I'd be safe."

She stared at the doctor. "How many people in their right mind think they can jump out of a plane and survive without any injuries?"

"Did you jump?" The doctor asked. This wasn't what she had envisioned for their first session but sometimes it was better to let the patient decide.

"No, I would have but I couldn't get the belt to loosen up. I was in the plane when it crashed. It glided for a bit before it stopped. Or at least until I lost consciousness. I woke up on the ground next to the plane."

* * *

She missed Calliope, especially now when she was staying at their old apartment. When Callie had said that she was going to visit Addison for the weekend she had decided that it was better for Sofia if she stayed at their old apartment instead of Sofia staying at Mark's.

Her session weighted heavenly on her mind. She had never talked about those minutes before the crash and right now she just wanted to numb her mind. She watched Sofia taking another step up the stairs. The elevator was out of function again and they both had to climb the stairs. It was hard on both of them and Arizona had to pause on each floor. She smiled at Sofia. Ever since Sofia had learned about her mother missing a leg she had been on her best behavior. It was like she knew her mother couldn't run after her. Of course with Calliope she it was another matter.

"Sofia, what do you say to ice cream when we come home? I think we deserve some treats after climbing all these stairs." Tomorrow she would yell at the landlord for not fixing the elevator but tonight she would curl up with her baby girl, eat ice cream and cuddle.

"Yay! Icey" Sofia screamed and run ahead to the door now that they were on the right floor.

Just as she was about to open the door her phone rang telling her Callie was calling. She quickly answered as she opened the door.

"Calliope, hey" she greeted but was interrupted by a voice that didn't belong to her wife.

"Arizona. It's Addison. I'm calling to inform you that Callie is in the hospital. It's not life threatening but she is scheduled to undergo surgery in about ten minutes. She broke her hand and..."

"What? Hold on. Hospital? Surgery? What happened? Oh My God. I'm coming, tell her we'll be there as soon as possible. I just have to book a…" Arizona panicked. "A flight" she whispered. "I have to book a flight."


End file.
